COMMUNITY SENSE

REHABILITATING ANGER

Mark R. Wenger

The Bible was open beside me on the bed, turned to Proverbs 16:32. I had been sent to an upstairs bedroom by my mother. Another adolescent tirade had led to the forced retreat—for meditation. The verse still comes to me in King James English: "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." It wasn’t an easy exercise, meditating on that bit of verbiage while seething about an unfair situation.

The same verse came freshly into view recently. The beginning of 2008 seemed to cough up more than its share of bile and bite in my neighborhood: the unremitting presidential primary campaign with attack and sharp rejoinder; an unresolved church disagreement and vocalized suspicions; personal issues like billing disputes, a totaled automobile, and a smashed mailbox.

Truth be told, there came a point in life when I discounted my mother’s anger management training as so much psychological pap. College teachers taught another truth about anger. When it is swallowed and repressed, it explodes unpredictably or eats your guts out. Be free to let yourself get angry, to own your resentment, to be real and uncontrived. Better to vent steam in the moment than to lock it in and eventually burst the boiler.

Additionally, I became aware of conflict patterns within the church group that was my religious home. For centuries Mennonites had nurtured the virtue of being humble and quiet in the land. Psychology professors explained that this supposed virtue often expressed itself in classical passive-aggressive behavior that tends to deny anger until it emerges uncontrolled and destructive.

The historical record seems to support the thesis: Mennonites have frequently divided and sub-divided. Thus we have been coached to speak up boldly on behalf of ourselves and other injured souls. Righteous indignation has been extolled in the cause of justice and healthy relationships.

The enduring cultural polarities spawned in the 1960s also helped many of us along the road to justified fury. Talk radio, chat rooms, and blogs have added their own spice and verbal insults. Moderation became suspect when so much was at stake: rights, morality, theology, justice, environment, national security, money, family.

More than a few of us learned to take satisfaction in letting others know when we are offended, ticked-off, cheated, and outraged. At one time many of us had been reluctant to admit anger. Slowly we were schooled to wear anger as a badge of honor: "I am angry, and I’m not going to be pushed around!"

The day after a recent small snowstorm, the state snowplow came by to clear the road. Baamm! Our mailbox went flying, caught by the edge of the plow. Three other mailboxes up the street suffered the same fate.

I submitted a damage claim to the local department of transportation. A week later I got a phone call. "The right-of-way from the center of your road is 16 feet; your mailbox is at 14 feet. So I’m sorry that we aren’t responsible to pay for damages. On the other hand, if you put your mailbox back to 16 feet, the US Postal Service probably won’t deliver the mail because it’s too far off the road."

I was happy tell the caller that I was incensed and that government, true to form, was irrational and pathetic. He deserved knowing it. Did I feel better? No.

As a pastor and educator there are times I’ve been the recipient of others’ vented frustration, mistrust, and irritation. It goes with the territory. Sometimes the anger is on target; other times it feels over-the-top, less to do with me and more with the other’s issues. Stir in the psychology and culture that encourage militancy of attitude and language, and it gets hot in a hurry. Shoot the Bible bullets, take up a club in the cultural wars, be prophetic and trumpet the truth, make some angry noise!

Angers inevitably surge through the arteries of our body and life together. Anger touches every arena of human relationship: within the self, between friends, within a marriage, among colleagues, inside families, throughout a congregation. Anger affects business dealings, national policies and religious disputes.

The question is not whether we will deal with anger; the question is—How? There are no pat answers for what to do with anger. Too many variables make it all so hazy and complicated. "Just do it!" we hear.

Yet there is One who has been calling my name recently. She sounds a lot like the voice of my mother. She "stands at the highest point along the way, where the paths meet, and takes her stand; beside the gate leading into the city, at the entrance, she cries aloud." (Prov. 8:2-3, TNIV) Her name is Wisdom.

"Wisdom is what is true and right combined with experience and good judgment" writes Pastor Bill Hybels in a simple, straightforward definition. (Wisdom: Making Life Work, 2003). The book of Proverbs—part of the wisdom collection of Scripture—contains hundreds of ancient wise observations for living well.

You don’t need a lot of brains to cite exceptions to almost any proverb. For example, Proverbs 28:19 says that "those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies will have their fill of poverty." Yet a 30-year employee loses a job when the factory closes, and a convicted sexual predator wins $5 million in the state lottery.

Proverbs is not a collection of scientific laws or divine promises. Again the words of Hybels, "Proverbs simply tells how life works most of the time. You can worry about the exceptions after you have learned the rule. Try to live by the exceptions, and you court disaster." Proverbs is wisdom as distilled common sense.

Not surprisingly, Proverbs has much to say about dangers of anger:

• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (15:1)

• Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. (29:11)

• Do not make friends with the hot-tempered, do not associate with those who are easily angered. (22:24)

• For as churning cream produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife. (30:33)

Wisdom in acknowledging, managing, and expressing our angers never goes out of style. It is indispensable. The Epistle of James, another book of ancient wisdom, echoes Proverbs. "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because our anger does not produce the right living that God desires." (James 1:19-20) Someone observed that God wisely gave us two ears and one mouth. The implication: to listen twice as much as we speak our minds.

We will not escape anger; it would be foolish and unhealthy to try. Anger hangs at our elbow—an intense energy for good or for destruction.

I wonder, however, whether it’s time to relearn an old lesson. To slow down in our anger reactivity. To think, to choose, to focus. To consider again the wisdom of investing anger energy with care. It doesn’t take much time or talent to generate a lot of heat for maximum impact. The far greater gift is to stay the course and generate as much light as we can for maximum understanding. That’s the way life works best most of the time.

—Mark R. Wenger, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, is Director of Pastoral Studies for Eastern Mennonite Seminary at Lancaster.