A CONVERSATION WITH GOD ABOUT COFFEE

Laura Lehman Amstutz

In my mind I’m sitting next to God in an overstuffed armchair in a coffee shop. I’m drinking a Caramel Macchiato and God has a Mocha with extra whipped cream. This is our conversation.

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Me: Wow that’s good.

God: I know. When I created it I said it was good.

M: Well you were right. But if it’s good how come it keeps me up at night sometimes?

G: Just because it’s good doesn’t mean it can’t be misused.

M: Is it misused when we put milk and caramel in it?

G: What do you think?

M: I think it’s good.

G: Then you’re right.

M: If you were on Earth again, would you buy coffee at Starbucks?

G: If I were on Earth today, do you think I could afford to buy coffee at Starbucks?

M: Good point. Would you buy Equal Exchange?

G: What do you think?

M: Is it bad to drink it out of styrofoam?

G: That depends on how important you think my earth is.

M: Is coffee anything like nectar in heaven?

G: You’re confusing me with the Greeks.

M: Oh right, sorry. Is there coffee in heaven?

G: I’m not at liberty to say.

M: What are you, Secret Service?

(God laughs)

M: If Jesus had communion today, would he serve coffee instead of wine?

G: That might be less complicated.

M: Would he serve regular or decaf?

G: Wine or grape juice?

M: Would Jesus hang out at coffee shops?

G: Maybe. I think it might depend on if the band was good.

M: Does Jesus like contemporary Christian music?

G: I’m not at liberty to say.

(I laugh)

M: Could Jesus cure a caffeine headache?

G: I think that might be a waste of Jesus’ gift, don’t you?

M: Did Adam and Eve have coffee in the Garden?

G: Where do you think the knowledge of good and evil comes from? Apples?

M: But you said it was good.

G: And it was. You said it could be used for evil.

M: Actually you said that.

G: Oh, of course. (At this point God gets flustered and takes another sip of his Mocha and gets whipped cream on God’s nose. We both laugh.)

M: Did you invent whipped cream?

G: Oh come on.

M: What? Should I be asking you deep questions about life and stuff?

G: Isn’t that usually what you do at coffee shops?

M: Sometimes. Would you answer them?

G: Probably not.

M: Would Jesus use coffee in parables?

G: Maybe.

M: The kingdom of God is like a cup of coffee. . . . Now you have to fill in the rest.

G: What do you mean?

M: I don’t know what the kingdom of God is like; you tell me.

G: Take a guess.

M: Okay, the kingdom of God is like a cup of coffee, sweet and warm and . . . full of energy?

G: Not bad, could use a little work though.

M: Well it’s better than the kingdom of God is like a Starbucks, ritzy and overpriced.

(God laughs)

We’re silent for a while. I pick up Newsweek. I could ask God about the news and why there is suffering and politics, but when you’re sitting in an overstuffed armchair next to God in a coffee shop that smells like caramel and God has whipped cream on God’s nose, it just doesn’t feel like the right time.

—Laura Lehman Amstutz from Kidron, Ohio, recently graduated from Bluffton College with a B.A. in Communication and a minor in writing. She is married to Brandon Amstutz and living in Harrisonburg, Virginia, where she is pursuing an M.Div. from Eastern Mennonite Seminary.