UNDERSTANDING ANGER

Vincent DeGregoris

After reading "Rehabilitating Anger" (DreamSeeker Magazine, Spring 2008), Mark Wenger’s article on anger with much appreciation, I thought there was more to be written about the subject. Anger is a difficult emotion for most of us, primarily because it is the single most powerful motivating emotion we experience.

When a stimulus occurs, the body goes into a defense mode to protect us. Ultimately it is a defense mechanism that produces adrenaline which causes the blood pressure to rise and the breathing rate as well as sugar in the blood to increase. The body is ready for action, for flight, freeze, or fight. In fact anger can be called a secondary emotion that is a response to pain—the pain of fear, anxiety, stress, frustration, or guilt. Yet anger is good. It is God-given, as are all our emotions.

Emotions are poorly understood and difficult to fully appreciate. Our emotions are our response to what we perceive about a situation. And two persons may respond differently to the same situation. In a football game, the two sides in the stands are viewing the same situation but perceiving it differently. Our thoughts about a situation and our body’s response to those thoughts are what we call emotions. There is a sudden chemical change in our body that produces energy and mobilizes us.

Many misconceptions have developed because anger can be very bothersome. Anger is not bad or sinful. The wrong expression of anger might be. The writer of the letter to the Ephesians says it this way: "Be angry and sin not." It is not our anger that is wrong. It is our expression of the anger that can be either destructive or constructive.

There are many ways in which we express our anger in a less than helpful manner. Some refuse to even say the words, "I am angry." They refuse even to admit to the angry feelings.

But my professional experience as a psychologist tells me that anger will be expressed, if not verbally then somatically, meaning by our bodies. There is a book on anger in which the first hundred pages lists all the diseases related to the non-verbal expression of anger. This amounts to turning the anger against the self.

The other self-destroyer, an inward expression of anger, is what we call depression. Here we engage in self-blaming that makes whatever depression there might be even worse.

There are also outward destructive expressions of anger. The first is what I call the volcano. This is best known to me as one who grew up in an Italian household. During my childhood the backs of our dining room chairs were wired together. This was because one day my grandfather went into a rage. I was in the house that day, a day I will never forget. Such a destructive expression of anger may cause need then for an embarrassing apology, damaged relationships, loss of a job, and more.

There is another type of outward destructive expression of anger. It is the type of expression that has as its motto, "Don’t get caught." Sarcasm is one way of expressing anger using humor. But it is a dart-throwing humor.

Then there is the expression of anger called pouting or clamming up. "I’m not going to talk. If you don’t know what the issue is, that just makes it worse." Or "If you’re trying to help me, it’s not good enough." There are other subtle indirect ways to express anger, whether gossip, affairs, failing in school, or keeping someone waiting.

So anger is basically good and necessary when expressed constructively and clearly. We can even be angry at God, as the psalmist writes in Psalm 13. Or read the book of Job, who said those wonderful words, "O that I knew where I might find God that I might come before God’s presence and present my case before him." Mendelssohn made those words sound a bit melodious and never did capture the anger in his music.

When we get angry at God, we need to know not only that it is a gift God has given us but also that it is something God understands and talks about most. We call it the wrath of God. Read through the Bible; note how often the phrase the wrath of God appears. God is angry–and anger is good.

Another misconception is that we can store up anger. We can’t store up an emotion. What we store up are the memories of past hurts or pain. What we might think of as storing up anger actually amounts to reigniting the anger of the past.

A third misconception is that anger and aggression are the same. Properly used, aggression can be a way to assert our own right, our own personhood. However, when aggression is directed against someone to do harm, it can become hostility and can be destructive.

The final misconception is that angry people aren’t responsible for their actions. It’s too easy to say, "I couldn’t help it. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight." Don’t believe it. How we express our anger is a choice we each make. We can learn to express our anger responsibly and non-destructively. Here as in other facets of anger, we need to take a hard look at what we have learned from our family of origin.

So, if anger is so good, what is good about anger? First, anger is a danger signal. It indicates that something is a threat. Then we need to ask ourselves, "Is this important? And is it changeable?" Here the Serenity Prayer can help: "Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

But anger is also a drive for independence and individuation. When something or someone threatens growth toward maturity by over-domination, our self-esteem is threatened. This is why the two’s are so terrible. "Terrible two’s" are fighting for self-worth, much like some adolescents.

Anger can also be an idol detector. It helps us learn about ourselves and what idols we don’t want disturbed. More importantly, anger shows us where our values are. If we value people, then we’ll be rightly angry at any injustice in the world. If we value children, when you hear of someone abusing a child we become angry.

Harry Emerson Fosdick wrote a beautiful sermon on forgiveness based on Jesus’ question, "Which is it easier to do, to say your sins are forgiven or rise up and walk?" It was difficult for Jesus to forgive sins, because he valued human life and knew what sin could do to people. Anger provides the energy to correct an injustice or to provide healing—as does the whole medical profession’s anger against disease and death.

It is not easy to manage our anger, but some things can help. First, recognize your anger. Admit it. Call it what it is: anger. Don’t use euphemisms. Don’t deny it as anger, because until you recognize and validate your anger, you cannot manage it constructively and positively. Excercies helps some with adrenaline build-up. But more importantly, process the emotion by asking yourself, "Why am I angry?" and finish the sentence with "I am angry because I’m afraid that. . . ." Then talk to a friend or counselor about it. Find out what you really want and why the anger is there.

Finally, learn to forgive to heal yourself. Forgiveness is giving up the right for revenge. Forgiveness is not excusing; it is not accepting: it is not forgetting. It is giving up the right to have your own way. And we cannot forgive until we learn to love ourselves enough to let go of our anger. This is not an easy process. It is a lifelong process.

Yes, anger is good. And yes, we are told to "be angry and sin not."

—Vincent DeGregoris, Paoli, Pennsyvlania, is Professor Emeritus of Pastoral Care and Counseling, Palmer Seminary.